"gain one lose one"

i understand this sentence,mentally and spiritually more than most people my age do. 
in fact,maybe i understand it,deeper than my teachers,my parents,my uncles and my aunties do.
trust me,what i gained and what i lost,for you to guess it,
is far beyond impossible.
because they are not something finite.
so do not try to.
these two weeks have been the hardest. 
my mind starts to correlate things weirdly.
i start to view this world differently.
i cant concentrate doing anything.
i start to question everything back.
i was so afraid.
i was all alone,
though actually i wasnt.

why must the thing i really want to tell you the most,

is the thing i'm forbidden to tell you.

til i had to reach my breaking point alone.

anyhow,don't worry.

guess i'm feeling better.

glad i wrote this down.